Patrisha: The Villain That Nobody Expected

Hello, 2023. Wow, it's been three years since my last entry. So much has happened, and my life has been a roller coaster ride and a bit of horror since I last posted.

Kahit wala naman nagtatanong, I’ve been wanting to write about life since my blog has always been my platform for my lost thoughts. 

I’m pretty sure I won’t be able to fit all stories in one entry, but I will try my best to collect what I can for you (and also for me) to understand what led to 2023 Patrisha. 

Before I started drafting this blog, I re-read where I left off. It was at the height of the pandemic and when I was diagnosed as a stressed person. I thought it was just a phase because there were so many emotions happening. Apparently, it was a training ground for what was bound to happen for the next two years.

When 2021 entered the chat, I didn’t know I was about to make decisions that would turn my life into complete chaos – I became the villain that nobody expected.

For the longest time, I’ve denied that I’m not ready to be a “Mrs.” and this led me to put on a different persona and wear it for years just to somewhat please others. I don’t want to get into details just yet but yes, my marriage failed because of me, and whatever reason you are thinking, you are probably right.

Since then, the world has turned its back on me. I’m not even overreacting when I say that I’ve heard so MANY negative things about me, from family to friends to former co-workers. Heck, even the barista at Starbucks knew my story (no joke). But I deserved it anyways. 

I guess it’s true what they say that when you put your authentic self locked inside a jar for so long, it will really shatter you into pieces once you decided you want out. 

Of course, there were a lot of questions about why I didn’t want to fix it. I'll give my long answer in the next entries to come but to summarize, if I was able to do that mistake, what is the possibility that I won’t do it again? It was already an impulsive choice I found just to escape from the jar I locked myself into. 

And mind you, my failed marriage was not the only highlight of 2021. I was also struggling against the law. Together with some others, I was wrongly accused of something. Again, don’t want to go into details just yet but yes, the law. With all the hearings and attorneys and everything, that kind of struggle. 

Undeniably, I was embarrassed by the person I became, so I hid from everyone. Basically, 2021 was the shittiest year. 

Then came 2022. I thought this would be my year and decided to get out of my cave. But karma said, “Tang ina, teka. Di pa ko tapos sayo.” I was battling anxiety and depression, sprinkled with a bucket of more heartbreak and that was 2022 for me. 

If you know me well, you know that I just cry for a hot minute and then move forward. But in 2022, I cried the whole fucking year. I even found myself running to the restroom just to cry sometimes. Also, there was a moment in 2022 when I got dead drunk. The last time I got the same horrible hangover was in November of 2013. Naaalala ko kasi I’m proud that I can drink well pero puta talaga yung 2022. 

In my previous blog, I talked about how I was a multipotentialite. For the sake of defining it again: a multipotentialite, according to Emilie Wapnick, is someone with many interests and creative pursuits. 

No doubt that I definitely lost myself in the process. I am a multipotentialite, but because of one misstep, I lost my drive for it all – blogging, writing, editing, photography, content creation, cooking, traveling, and many more. 

Everytime I tell *trusted* people my story, they tell me how I'm a strong woman who handled her storms well. But in 2022, I was ready to give up on life, figuratively and literally. 

In those two years, I was so hard on myself. I always tell myself I don’t deserve to be happy anymore because of what I did. I was also at the point where I blocked every possibility of being happy. Even when I’m writing about it now, I pause every once in a while because I don’t know if I’m making sense or thinking if I should even post this. 

But thinking about it now, I wasn't able to do this alone. I might be mataray, matapang and palaban to others but it's because people around me believe what I'm capable of. I guess all I'm trying to say is that I am lucky to be surrounded by great people and Moony, my baby dog.

If you know me well, I’m not the cheesiest and you know na laging bardagulan ako kung sumagot. Kaya to those people, unexpected and the familiar ones, this is the only time you’ll hear me say: “Thank you for sticking with me. I ardently appreciate all of you.”

These people listened to me kahit na I’m not good at telling stories verbally. Even though they don’t condone what I did, they tried to understand me. They have given me so much advice even though they know that I don’t follow them. And the best feeling of them all is when they tell me that I’m still a good person and I still deserve happiness despite all the storms I’ve made, natapilok lang daw ako nang malala.  

Thinking about what I’ve been through for the past three years, I won’t be able to survive it if it wasn’t for them. 

All decisions I've made hurt a lot of people, especially myself. But it is what it is. I don't expect that everyone will understand because we all have different perspectives, and knowing people who might read this, I already expect all the blabber.

I did not intend to fall with my own decisions, kahit ako nagulat with what I did. I apparently chose a self-destructive path but those bad decisions eventually taught me to make better ones today.

It’s 2023 and I’m happy to say it has been the best so far. There are definitely lazy days but the blessings, opportunities, and happy days hindi nauubusan. I work as a writer, I get to travel this year, I was able to write an entry after how many years, and the best that happened so far was when I won that struggle against the law thing I was telling you earlier, yea, I got acquitted. All of these are proof of how my life is going — I'm thriving.

We’re about to finish the first quarter and I’m confident that this is definitely the year for Marveled Monkey.

I wrote this during the long weekend when everyone was out on vacation, and here I am reflecting on myself and finally gathered the courage to write on my blog again. Also, since I always write for work, ngayon lang talaga gumana utak ko to write for my blog. 

I know that this is just bits and pieces of what happened, but let’s just say that this is the start of something new. We have to start somewhere again, and this blog entry is the start for me. There are still times na natutulala ako sa mga nangyari, but at the same time natutulala rin ako sa saya to think na I was able to dodge a big bullet.

One day, I’ll be able to share more. But for now, I would like to end this by saying:

“Proud ako sayo, Patrisha. Salamat at hindi ka sumuko sa buhay.”