Peyton Joshua

I have always been scared to write about something that happened to me two years ago because judgments are easily obtained from nosey people, but I was always open about it. I had an ectopic pregnancy and up to this day forward, it's my favorite sad memory.

It was May of 2015 when I learned that I was supposed to have a baby. At first, I didn't know what to do; I was panicking and excited all at the same time. I know that my parents will freak out so I decided not to tell them yet until I was sure.

Plans were already laid out just in a matter of days that we knew about the baby. Not until my second check-up when everything flipped.

June 7, I was bleeding and having the most terrible cramps you could ever imagine. So I decided to have my first check-up and see what was going on. My OB congratulated me and gave me notes about what to do and what-not's, and then she asked if I was feeling something wrong. I said that I was bleeding and she said that it was normal and I have to go back after a month for another check-up. I said that I was also having cramps. Then I knew something was up when my OB's face turned deadpan. That's when she said, "be here tomorrow".

She then informed me about the possibilities and I should not lose hope.  I wanted to cry in front of her but I told myself that I must be strong for this.

June 8, the cramps got worst and the pain was doubled. I couldn't walk. I was thankful that I had company because if I hadn't, it would be a disaster.

My OB immediately checked me out and she then headed me to the ultrasound. I should not go into gory details but to cut the story short, that's when I found out that it was an ectopic pregnancy.

For people who don't know what ectopic pregnancy means:

Ectopic pregnancy: A pregnancy that is not in the uterus. The fertilized egg settles and grows in any location other than the inner lining of the uterus. The large majority (95%) of ectopic pregnancies occur in the Fallopian tube. However, they can occur in other locations, such as the ovary, cervix, and abdominal cavity. (Source: https://www.medicinenet.com)

The doctor in charge of the ultrasound then explained to me what would be the next steps and suggested that I should opt to have the surgery today. She then explained to me on how small the chances are if I wanted to go through the whole pregnancy. Because either way, it is poisonous to both the mother and the baby.

Honestly, I was having a terrible time sinking everything that the doctor said; I just wanted to cry in front of her.

She then went out to call my OB and prepare the surgery. Once she left me alone, I couldn't hold my tears anymore. I was crying hard that my vision was already a blur.

All I can think about were:

I have to tell the father.

I have to tell my sister.

I have to tell my mother.

I have to tell my father.

I lost an angel.

F*ck.

The doctor came back and headed me out to the next room where nurses prepped me up before the surgery. The nurses tried to comfort me as they saw my eyes were sore from crying. They took some tests and told me stories about pregnancies. But my mind was somewhere else and I need to gather enough courage to tell the news to everyone. 

The father was in a different timezone. I didn't have any courage to tell either of my parents yet, so I called my sister first and told her. I then called my mother and asked her to stay calm and everything was fine. But my voice was shaky and I can feel my mom's anxiety from the other end of the line.

I didn't remember what time it was when my OB finally arrived and pushed me out to the operating room. My mom and my sister were there and I saw how worried they were when they saw me lying in bed and being taking out to the Operating Room. 

In the OR, my OB tried to calm me down and said, "After this, you still have another chance to have a baby. Maybe this is not your time yet. I know how sad you are but, hey, at least you've gained an angel. You are a mom to an angel." 

She then injected a sedative and after 5 seconds, I was knocked out. 

I don't know how long the surgery was but when I woke up hearing my OB asking, "Is she awake?" I was still high but I made a weird grump just to answer my OB's question. She then approached me and showed me something that looked like a pea covered with blood and said that it was my angel. She showed it to me like I actually went through the whole process of giving birth and the baby was alive.

After recovering, I was then brought to my room and my mom and my sister were there, with faces I can't explain. 

My friends and my father then came to visit after the day of my surgery and tried to cheer me up. What struck me most was when my father said to me, "Sayang, may apo na sana ako." 

Because ectopic was under maternal leave, I had the advantage of taking 60 days of rest. 

Within that 60 days, I have cried and contemplated a lot. I heard people say that I should not dwell on it because it wasn't an actual baby and I badly wanted to throw shade at them. 

For me, just seeing those two lines on that stick was already life-changing; it already says that you're a mother. Imagine there are women who badly want to have a child but couldn't. There you are staring at those two lines while others can't even be pregnant. It is a blessing just seeing two lines on that stick. 

In the process of recovering, emotionally and physically, I thought it would be easy. I thought I had a partner who will support me and help me recover. But after 2 weeks since my surgery, the father silently left. 

Aside from recovering from the surgery, I also had to recover from the heartbreak as well. 

It was the most disquieting 60 days of my life. 

But one night, I dreamt about my angel smiling down at me. That's when I knew that I was not alone.

I started going out with friends and going to the office, even though I was on leave, just to distract myself. When my friends were not available, I hang out at coffee shops and read books. 

I felt better as days passed. Because I knew my angel was right there beside me. 

Up to this day, I still dream about my angel. Honestly, I'm not fond of kids. But everytime I see babies, I can't help but feel sad. Every time I read about failed pregnancies, I can't help but share the same feels.

You really don't know how painful it is to lose a baby until it happens to you. 

Looking at the bright side of things, I have gained an angel. Everytime things get rough, I close my eyes, pray to God and talk to my angel. And it works like magic.

Before the father left, we agreed to name the baby. We never knew what the gender was so we agreed to mix two names - Peyton Joshua. 

I chose the name Peyton because I like how strong and bold Hilarie Burton's character is in One Tree Hill. And he chose Joshua because he always liked the name Joshua. 

Why write about it now if it happened two years ago? It's because I just had the courage now to share all about it. Thanks to all of the inspiring stories I've read, I got the courage to share my own.

It's hard not to be emotional. It's been a week since this was drafted because everytime I continue writing, I get teary. Now that I think about it, for the past two years, my angel has been helping God to shower me with blessings, blessings like Vincent, and I couldn't ask for more. 

2015 might not be the right time, but one day, when the timing is right, I will have kids of my own.

To all of the women who underwent the same experience or equivalent to that, it's okay to be sad. You'll hear negative things but don't let them eat you. Always keep in mind that being pregnant is not a mistake, it is a blessing. 

I'll share with you something that my OB said, 

"You are a mother to an angel."

I am. I am a proud mother to my angel, Peyton Joshua.